Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
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Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
did it work
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs