If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
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I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.