Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
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Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.