Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
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Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
what is cheese if not milk persevering
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Perfect.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.