Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
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If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
CRYING
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place