Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
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mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
#Thanos #MondayMood
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Terribly Tuesday.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin