the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
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“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Gods work.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
This is why I hate group projects
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Me if I was a dog
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.