Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
You Might Also Like
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Leaving the Barbers like
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.