Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
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I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I wish all tests were things you peed on
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.