got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
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*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
what?
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]