Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
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lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Always
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”