Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
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Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Every work call, he judges.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses