Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
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If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me: