@slaughthie: Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say "well, she was always kind of like this."
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@iLikeCatShirts: Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels? Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
@zacharyflynn: How to get a girl to like you: 1. Become a lion tamer 2. Release a lion on her 3. Tame it right before it kills her 4. Take her to Chili's?
@JosesLovesYou: So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says "hey, why the wrong face?"
@faisaladam_: If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad. Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.