I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
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Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Breaking news:
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.