Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
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[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend