@MomOnFire: Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to "air quote," I need to speak with you privately.
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@dyldonot: [first date] me: [don't let her know you're a microwave] her: my food is a bit cold me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
@riesypiecey: Interviewer: How would you describe yourself? Me: Verbally. But I've also prepared a dance.
@SaddestFinger: My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he's a seasoned vet.
@joeljeffrey: My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.