@MomOnFire: Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to "air quote," I need to speak with you privately.
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@Rollinintheseat: [High school reunion] Person: "I don't remember you." Me: *starts crying* Person: "Now I remember you."
@anerdonfire2: I hate to brag but I've had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
@AlexvanBeek: Unless: -The house is on fire -The cops are about to kick down the door -Or you're ordering food Do NOT talk to me while I'm on the toilet