Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
You Might Also Like
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.