Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
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Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.