Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
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[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”