Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
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*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
*watches the world burn*
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.