Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
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I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
🤣✨#caturday
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Many hands make light work
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.