Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
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5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
That lamp looks PISSED.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.