Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
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Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
#SCOTUS one-star review
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow