[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
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Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.