[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
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Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?