Ok, but like, how married are you?
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Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
broke down and did it