[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
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[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.