“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
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Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?