Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
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Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.