Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
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Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.