Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
You Might Also Like
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.