Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
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Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Sending in my taxes
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.