One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
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I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
She doesn鈥檛 have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
WOMAN: who鈥檚 a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it鈥檚 silly william now.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 馃檮馃檮馃槀
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Oh, you want me to join you at your family鈥檚 cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
This 4th of July, please remember…
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver