@michaeljhudson: Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I'll just use this dry paper and call it good.
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@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes? ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
@kyry5: [God creating the stingray] Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought "what if I made my bathmat a murderer?"
@CodyJP9412: HER: What're you most afraid of? ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.