@michaeljhudson: Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I'll just use this dry paper and call it good.
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@evanrhorne: I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I'm so excited.
@TheBoydP: Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
@spookyDichotomy: suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn't even blink, just said "oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway" "what's a henway?" "about five pounds"