@RobertJrDowney: Who's idea was it to package scissors in a package what requires scissors to open.
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@audipenny: I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like "SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????" and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
@DaHess1: I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.
@hippieswordfish: ME: i need a loan so i can build a robot army to take over the world with BANKER: what M: oops i meant 'with which to take over the world'
@tweeterreader36: To the co-worker who had a 17 min conversation with me and didn't tell me I had a smudge on my forehead. It's on!!