in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
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Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”