“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
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Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Are you ok, human???
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Möther may I have a snäck
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Comparing yourself to others
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it