“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
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Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Phonetics
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.