Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
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I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”