Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
You Might Also Like
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶