I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
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APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
OMG 🤣🤣
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer