Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
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Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
This meeting could have been a cake
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody