Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
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“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
why I oughta
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Mornin
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets