I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
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[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*