@thestlouisan: Who's the idiot who named the song 'The Sound of Silence' and not
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@AtticusFinch79: Me: Babe, can you zip this for me? Him: That's an inflatable sumo suit. Me: I'm flying United today. Him: Don't forget your helmet.
@OutOfLeftField_: Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex? Me: No, it's always George Clooney.
@KalvinMacleod: [funeral] ME: I never know what to say at these things. WIDOW: sorry for your loss. ME: it's ok, I'm sure I'll think of something.