Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
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it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.