Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
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Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
your honor my client chooses dare
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!