Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
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When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”