I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
You Might Also Like
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
“no gods no masters” = leo
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Florida be like…
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?