Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
You Might Also Like
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
This is Sparta
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.