Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
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Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.