@joshgondelman: "Why am I not asleep?" he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
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@KendellMadden: "I know, right?!!" Is the WRONG thing to say when my neighbor tells me that his wife is wild in bed. Lesson learned.
@Sickayduh: The mall crowd parts as I shuffle through after waking up naked on the food court floor. "Too pudgy to be a terminator" says one woman.
@Brampersandon_: ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed WIFE: Trump's running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series M: haha ok but srsly tho
@hippieswordfish: it's easy as pie! 'what does that even mean?' *pie stumbles in drunk* pie: i just had sex with the homeless guy under the bridge 'oh'