“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
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[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.