“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
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me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*